The love of my life. The story you've been waiting for.

If someone actually reads this WHOLE thing then it shows you care haha
So, long overdue post. I kind of wanted to talk about him for awhile so yeah. THIS DOESNT END WELL. well unless magically he gets on myspace and messages me while im writing this haha.
So there's this site that I met him on called habbo hotel. Cheesy and lame but whatever. It's a pixelated overly-moderated site where you can create your own character, chat with other people from around the world, buy and trade furniture to make rooms. I used to be obsessed but whatever lol. .So I was hanging out in this room with my "friends" and this kid walked in and introduced himself as Max. Okay honestly I forgot how we met. I just know we met through "friends' of the room we chilled in. But in one of those days he introduced himself. I learned he was my age and from Britian. We talked pretty much everyday and I always loved getting out of school to get on the computer to talk to him. This was my preteen years, 11 and 12. But we became really good friends and then oneee dayyy he told me his name wasn't really max and he was lying, his name was Callum. pretty name. I didn't really mind him lying about that because, well we were young and revealing stuff on the internet wasn't fun at the time. But eventually we started talking on MSN, we shared pictures and talked even more frequently. This was around the time I started middle school, so I was trying to find myself with the ahem, "goth/emo" look. Since he was around my age we shared common intrests like music, clothes, writing, and later on cutting. See, he introduced me to cutting and well I was doing it for such a long time, I just stopped recently actually. But I was doing it around that time. We would talk about our feelings all the time and what ticked us off. He was the person I told EVERYTHING to. So, by this time i was utterly and completely in love with this boy that I never met and never even talked to on the phone. I was always jealous by the girls he dated because he somewhat "bragged", or well talked about them. Which I hated because I wanted him all to myself. Which is selfish considering the eight hour time difference. I guess he got jealous of the boys I dated, but he didn't really show it much. By the time I was thirteen and a half, I was kicked out of my middle school and was homeschooled for awhile. I was happy about that because then I was able to talk to him ALL THE TIME. and the time difference wasnt that bad because I would talk to him before noon, for like 3 hours a day. Of course, we would sometimes get in our stupid little fights but one day it was huge. But before I get to that; let me just say that I was soooo in love with him and I wa sure he was my soulmate. We were through so much together and he was perfect.

But nooo, one day in late Jan '07 I had to tell him that I cut over something; I just had to. I mean, I told him EVERYTHING. It was only right to tell the man I loved that I hurt myself hoping SOMEHOW he could help me get over whatever dilema I was facing. Yeah, he told me he wouldn't talk to me anymore, he told me that it was a new year and he wanted a change from all the depression and cutting. [That he introduced me to; I add again]. When he told me this, I literally couldn't breathe for at least a minute. I felt as if I was going to pass out. I felt sick to my stomach and had the hugest urge to cut ever. I asked him if it was forever and he said he didn't know. I think it's still funny that I can remember all this like it's happening now, well not funny strange. Then he got offline. I was...so heartbroken, my chest literally felt like something was tearing through. A knife was being plummeted into my chest killing whatever emotion I had. I ran into the other room grabbed the sharpest razor I had and started slicing my wrists while I cried at his picture gasping for breath over my tears. I tried to stop but I couldn't. I tried killing myself that night but I couldn't get myself too. My really good friend..at the time, Andrew(not my recent ex), called me while I was cutting and talked me out of suicide. He hadn 't called me iin over two months until then. I still believe it was fate that had him call me for me to not die. I try to thank him for it. Im going to on monday. well tommorow. But I fell asleep that night hoping that this was a cruel joke and believing that he might still love me. A few days afterwards, Callum sent me an IM acting like everything was normal while everytime he said something new, even more tears fell don my face, every time he sent me a message even to this day I do. Even though he hasn't messaged me in a long time. But I honestly forget what we talked about that day. Later that month I was still the most depressed person that you could ever come along. By then I had the deepest scar in my arm, his name burned across it. You can still see it today, I'm trying to get rid of it btw. But it was horrible. During this time I would send him an IM trying to act like everything was normal. trying to Regain what we used to have but it never worked, he would always show absolutely no enthusiasm as he used to. A few months later and nothing. I always tried to send him stuff on myspace, like oh saying how much he hurt me. and how much I miss him. Hell, I even sent one like two months ago. But back then, he would reply sometimes, but barely. He said things like I'll always love you. And ill never forget you. I always smiled and cried. But somewhere down I didn't believe him. I do and I always will though. I think him doing the whole, "im going to break your heart" bit had to do with him getting a girlfriend around that time. That he has been with for a long while. She thought it was funny to comment one of my blogs mimicing me and my pain. Funny?? NO.
Next comes the paragraph of ways I've tried to get over him. Alcohal, that always helped me get my mind off him, for the night at least. Excessive amounts of drugs didn;t help as much as I thought it would, so I stopped. I even broke a number of hearts trying to get over him(not on purpose), it worked for about a week with one guy, but nah it came back when reading an old journal. Ok now backtracking a bit, late in '07 I met this kid that was like...amazing. He reminded me of Callum in a lot of ways, (not just because he was british too); oh and this one actually went to my school. I became to have a relationship with him, I will call him Blogboy, because thats my nickname for him. He was VERY different then most guys I had met. Way different in a way I couldnt even understand. Everytime I was with him I found a way to put a little tiny peice of my past beind me. In april of '08. Me and blogboy had sex. And that totally put Callum behind me. I didnt even think of him anymore. Though, it wasn't good that I was totally hung up on this guy now, but still. I was over Callum. I was happy. I felt wonderful. A huge weight was lifted. I still loved him. But I wasn't broken much anymore. Though, a part of me will always be hurt, you never forget your first heartbreak.
I still hadn't deleted him off myspace though. Which I did a little over two weeks ago. Then a week ago. He sent me a friend request. I was all weird at first. I wanted to know what he wanted. I wanted to know if he noticed that I deleted him right away because he looks at my profile( what I would like to believe). But probably not true. I tried to rule out all possible accidental things to why he could of added me, like maybe on a train or accidently clicked a button. But my friend said thats not possible because it asks "are you sure you want to add ********" as a friend". So I knew it was on purpose. So I sent him a message asking why he did, and saying I thought we werent talking anymore. He read it didn't reply. So I denied his reqest. Then on Saturday morning he requested me AGAIN. So now I knew fer sure it was on purpose, I sent him a messag a few moments later saying, "Stop requesting me, I got over you awhile ago and I want to keep it that way". I think I may have sounded a little bitchy and if there was a way I would delete the message I sent him and rewrite one nicer possibly. OR maybe just accept the request :/. Already denied though. And he hasn't replied yet. Hadn't been on since yesterday morning though from when he sent the request. Im kind of more hung up on why he sent it though. Im not hung up on him. IM NOT.
Althoguht deep down I think I still might be. Or not. I love him. Though I hate him for what he did. Hopefully he'll look past my bitchyness of the message and reply with a sophisicated reason. to why he is requesting me. I will always love him, and myabe someday, I will meet the boy I never met, yet somehow love with all my heart, and be with him.
THE ENDDDDD.
leave thoughts/comments/concerns.

Oh and he "read"
the message I sent him. :/

I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. What would myspace, youtube, and socialounge do without you?

haha ya im kinda glad i didnt kill myself

I am too, you're too cool to die this early

lol thanks I guess

ok, Im seriously gonna read this, just not now, but I will, Dawlin, cause I def care bout y'all lil itty bitties.

lol ok
tell me what you think when you Do read it

Hey Taylor, I read the WHOLE thing. It's 11:23 right now and I think it took about 7 minutes to read (and think) about it all. I'm stoked to be typing with you because you have a spark to your personality and it's always fun to read your posts, so I am glad you didn't kill yourself....why did you want to look goth.scene. But anyway, you have a curse. You know the one where you never truly get over your one true love or your 1st heartbreak. He happened to be both which makes it mondo harder. But you know you're over him when you can find it in your heart to say "I'm over him" some people would try to convince themselves but I think you've actually got this one handled. It will all work out!

what a love story you can write an entire novel out of it hehe xD... i joined habbo too it was a cool site but i dont visit it anymore im lazy i guess hehe...

someday or at some point in your life, when you think of the hearbreaks you've experienced, you will just go laugh at them, that occured to me xD.

so he still hasnt replyed yet er wat?

Still hasnt replied. idk.
I requested him an apologized for being a bitch.

Thanks Duck
but idk why I decided t be goth back then lol
i was weird

You're welcome Taylor... I like your style now, it fits your personality, and your face. But don't sweat it [him not replying] You'll see why!

Well yeah i know im over him
it would be better if the guy that helped me get over him was still in my life.

AND OMG
My Boyfriend's Mom's friend read this post and got all freaked out
about me having sex haha

TaylorTeel:] wrote:

Well yeah i know im over him
it would be better if the guy that helped me get over him was still in my life.

AND OMG
My Boyfriend's Mom's friend read this post and got all freaked out
about me having sex haha

Hahahahahaha, seriously?! Wow, is that a bummer or are you laughing now? Have his parents, your parents, the friend said anything, yet? I'm curious!

Haha appearently his mom doesnt care.
probably just doesnt want me to do it with her son.